After the first street was covered, Roy swung Dorothy expertly into another. He switched the microphone back on and bellowed:
' Ladees and Gentlemen! We will shortly be entering Arsehole Avenue and then continuing on to Wankers Way'
' Roy! Come on! Keep it down, eh?' hissed Michael,' I've got to deliver letters round here again after Christmas! Think of the Customer tips, if nothing else!'
Roy lit another fag and watched from the cab as Michael fawned over the kindly old lady who had given him a ten bob note yesterday as a Christmas Box. Dorothy's engine burbled along on tick over as Roy kept her alive, dabbing the accelerator pedal rhythmically with his foot.
' Morning Mrs. Perry,' smiled Michael,' Isn't it a lovely day? '
' It is!' agreed Mrs. Perry.
' This looks like those lovely paper doilies you ordered! ' said Michael. 'Will you sign to say you've had the parcel for me, please?' Mrs Perry scrawled on Michael's forms.
' They said it's going to rain later on though,' she added.
' Oi!' screamed Roy, poking a head out of the coach window,' Get a bleedin' move on Scottie, you idle git! We've gotta be across at Testicle Terrace by ten o'clock!'
By the end of the day Michael was immune to Roy's banter, his filthy jokes and his continuing invention of dirty street names. In fact, he began inventing a few himself. By the end of the shift they had navigated Bollock Boulevard, Cunnilingus Crescent, Tittenham Court Road, Brassiere Broadway and Mammary Drive. Roy dropped him off after their third run, outside the Post Office. Michael swung the empty sacks over his shoulder, grabbed the paperwork and waved goodbye as Roy nursed Dorothy off towards the garage.
' I'll fix it!' shouted Roy, waving a victory sign out of the driver's window as he pulled away.
Roy never did fix all of Dorothy's ailments but he made a few improvements including quietening the engine and charging the battery. This was a mixed blessing as on colder days he would insist on having the heater on throughout. On one occasion a badly packaged consignment of Samroo’s Chocolate Reindeer and a dozen Advent Calendars melted and fused all over the back seat.
Roy livened up Dorothy's interior with strings of Christmas lights connected by crocodile clips to the battery. He also acquired a large farting Santa, who postured, danced and noisily broke wind whenever anyone entered or left the coach. He had somehow cleverly wired up the ancient coach radio to play “Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree” whenever Michael opened the (now mercifully operational) sliding door.
' A gadget from them Samroo Boys again,' Roy explained. ' Got some fabulous lines, they have.'
On each outing, Roy hurled Dorothy up and down precipitous slopes, backed her in and out of tight cul-de-sacs and eased her through the gaps between expensive parked cars. Michael watched through hands held over his eyes. At Michael's request Roy stopped hanging out of the window at traffic lights and shouting lewd unseasonal suggestions to passing lady shoppers. Some were old enough to be his Mum.
Roy was allocated Dorothy every day. Michael often wondered afterwards if he ever did really get “back on the Margate Run” with a filthy mind and potty mouth like that. They made a strangely efficient team however, and having finished early on Christmas Eve, not through skiving, but because they had delivered all their parcels more efficiently than any other crew, they clocked off and shared a few beers around the corner from the Post Office. True to his word Mr. Harrison had conjured up what he termed “a little bonus” to acknowledge what had genuinely been all their hard work. Roy gave Michael a final lift home.
'Here we are then! Tampax Towers', he said. He offered Michael his gloved hand. ' It's been all right, though, ain't it? It's been a great laugh! I've really enjoyed it and thanks to you I've made a few extra bob.' He laughed, as a look of fleeting concern swept across Michael's face.
'No, not like that though, you prune! I never nicked a single thing! And that, trust me, mate is a first! I had a bit extra in me pay packet, what with the bonuses and getting extra shifts and all that. And there is a lesson for us both.'
' How come?'
' If you're having a good time together, work's just about bearable, ain't it? Eh?'
Michael shook Roy's outstretched hand.
' Merry Christmas, Roy. You're a nutcase.'
' Likewise, you tart. And if you're ever over Lewisham way, just look me up. You got my address, entcha?'
Michael shook his head, doubtfully. Roy handed over a crumpled Christmas card.
' You can read, can't yer? Educated kid like you?'
' Yep. I see it. “69 Gonad Grove”. Cheers. Roy!'
Dorothy and Roy rumbled off through the estate and into the darkness leaving a vile-smelling gaseous orange fug swirling about the base of the flats. Michael picked up an armful of carrier bags and headed for the lifts.
